The old man at work often complains that young people don't sit around telling each other jokes they've heard since the last time they met. I think he's right so I'm starting this thread to collect all the best jokes in the world. Here's the funniest one i've heard in a while to start this thread off....

The old man at work often complains that young people don't sit around telling each other jokes they've heard since the last time they met. I think he's right so I'm starting this thread to collect all the best jokes in the world. Here's the funniest one i've heard in a while to start this thread off....

Q: Did you hear about the man who drowned in his muesli?

A: He was pulled in by a strong current.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Q: Did you hear about the man who drowned in his muesli?

A: He was pulled in by a strong current.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Ok, I approve; old 1 sum of u prob know

Q: What's the difference between a truck full of babies and a truck full of marbles?

A: You can unload the babies with a pitchfork.

Ok, I approve; old 1 sum of u prob know

Q: What's the difference between a truck full of babies and a truck full of marbles?

A: You can unload the babies with a pitchfork.

A mans in the back of a cab going to the airport. He taps the driver on the shoulder and the driver screams, manages to just miss a bus, mounts the curb and stops inches away from a shop's glass window.

"Why did you just do that?!", shouts the driver angrily. "You scared the crap out of me".

"Sorry, I didn't realise it would scare you so much", replies the passenger.

"No, its alright. Its not your fault. This is my first day driving a cab. I drove a hearse for the last 25 years."

A mans in the back of a cab going to the airport. He taps the driver on the shoulder and the driver screams, manages to just miss a bus, mounts the curb and stops inches away from a shop's glass window.

"Why did you just do that?!", shouts the driver angrily. "You scared the crap out of me".

"Sorry, I didn't realise it would scare you so much", replies the passenger.

"No, its alright. Its not your fault. This is my first day driving a cab. I drove a hearse for the last 25 years."

One from the pages of Bash:

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

One from the pages of Bash:

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

Q: What's red and orange and looks good on refugees?

A: FIRE!!!

Q: What's red and orange and looks good on refugees?

A: FIRE!!!

Two men are walking through a graveyard with their dogs . One man turns to the other and says "Morning" The other man replies "No, just walking the dog...

Two men are walking through a graveyard with their dogs . One man turns to the other and says "Morning" The other man replies "No, just walking the dog...

Q: What's pink and hard?

A: A pig with a flick-knife.

Q: What's pink and hard?

A: A pig with a flick-knife.

Patient: I think I'm going deaf.

Doctor: What are the symptoms ?

Patient: A cartoon about a yellow family.

Patient: I think I'm going deaf.

Doctor: What are the symptoms ?

Patient: A cartoon about a yellow family.

Q: If a motorcyclist runs into a woman, who is to blame?

A: The motorcyclist is. He shouldn't have been riding his bike in the kitchen

Q: If a motorcyclist runs into a woman, who is to blame?

A: The motorcyclist is. He shouldn't have been riding his bike in the kitchen

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

So first he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need",) and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jack off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy: "You idiot, I was trying to say, I need a hand saw". The other guy replied: "I know, I was trying to tell you that "I am coming...".

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

So first he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need",) and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jack off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy: "You idiot, I was trying to say, I need a hand saw". The other guy replied: "I know, I was trying to tell you that "I am coming...".

This guy pulls some bird in a bar and he takes her back to his place. When they get inside the girl is amazed to find his bedroom is littered with teddy bears!

'Wow!' she thinks to herself, 'What a sensitive man this guy is!'

She continues to look around while the guy fixes some drinks. She notices the bears are all painstakingly arranged, all the little bears happily sat on a wee shelf at the bottom of the wall. Slightly above are the medium bears neatly sat in a little group on a shelf of their own. FInally, above them at the top are the big daddy bears on a grand ledge. The girl continues to wait with eager anticipation.

The guy returns, and shortly after the drinks and foreplay are out of the way, the couple have hot passionate sex for hours. The girl achieves multiple orgasms and afterwards she lays with quivering astonishment.

'OMG!' she thinks to herself, 'This guy is incredible! He's gorgeous, fantastic in bed, and best of all he has this unbelievable sensetive side!'.

She rolls over and starts to rub the guys chest and asks "Well darling, how was that for you?"

The guy thinks for a second, frowning with contemplation. After a brief pause he turns to her and says.........

"Hmmm, pick any prize from the bottom shelf!"

This guy pulls some bird in a bar and he takes her back to his place. When they get inside the girl is amazed to find his bedroom is littered with teddy bears!

'Wow!' she thinks to herself, 'What a sensitive man this guy is!'

She continues to look around while the guy fixes some drinks. She notices the bears are all painstakingly arranged, all the little bears happily sat on a wee shelf at the bottom of the wall. Slightly above are the medium bears neatly sat in a little group on a shelf of their own. FInally, above them at the top are the big daddy bears on a grand ledge. The girl continues to wait with eager anticipation.

The guy returns, and shortly after the drinks and foreplay are out of the way, the couple have hot passionate sex for hours. The girl achieves multiple orgasms and afterwards she lays with quivering astonishment.

'OMG!' she thinks to herself, 'This guy is incredible! He's gorgeous, fantastic in bed, and best of all he has this unbelievable sensetive side!'.

She rolls over and starts to rub the guys chest and asks "Well darling, how was that for you?"

The guy thinks for a second, frowning with contemplation. After a brief pause he turns to her and says.........

"Hmmm, pick any prize from the bottom shelf!"

Q: What's the difference between Paula
Radcliffe and Hitler?
A: At least Hitler tried to finish a race.

Q: What's the difference between Paula
Radcliffe and Hitler?
A: At least Hitler tried to finish a race.

Q: What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a BMW?

A: I don't have a BMW in my garage!

Q: What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a BMW?

A: I don't have a BMW in my garage!

Q: What's more fun than swinging a dead baby on the end of a rope?

A: Stopping it with a shovel!

Q: What's more fun than swinging a dead baby on the end of a rope?

A: Stopping it with a shovel!

Q. What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?







A. Cancer.

Q. What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?







A. Cancer.

Q: What's better than winning the 400m Wheelchair race at the Special Olympics?

A: Walking

Q: What's better than winning the 400m Wheelchair race at the Special Olympics?

A: Walking

Q: Why did the the caribbean man wear baggy trousers?

A: Because his knee-grows.

HAHA

Q: Why did the the caribbean man wear baggy trousers?

A: Because his knee-grows.

HAHA

A baby seal walks into a club..

A baby seal walks into a club..

OK, a West Brom and a Wolves fan are driving towards each other when a dog runs out in the middle of the road. They both swerve to avoid it and end up in a head on collision. Fortunately, neither are badly hurt, so they get out and start having a chat. It soon transpires that one is a Wolves fan, the other a Tesco. Suddenly the Wolves fan remembers... he has his shopping in the boot of the car and, if it's not been broken by the accident, there should be a a bottle of Jack Daniels.
"I've just remembered, I've got a bottle of JD in me boot, me aud mucka. D'you fancy a swig?" he says (in badly typed yam-yamese).
"Ar, I'm a bit shaken, could do with a swig."
Luckily enough, the bottle IS unbroken, so, the Wolves fan, being polite to the last, hands the bottle to the Baggie, who breaks the seal and takes a huge pull from the bottle, before holding it out to the Wolves fan.
The Wolves fan just looks at the Baggy, smells the whisky on his breath and says:
"Nah, it's alrooight, yow keep it. I'm gonna wait till the police get here."

OK, a West Brom and a Wolves fan are driving towards each other when a dog runs out in the middle of the road. They both swerve to avoid it and end up in a head on collision. Fortunately, neither are badly hurt, so they get out and start having a chat. It soon transpires that one is a Wolves fan, the other a Tesco. Suddenly the Wolves fan remembers... he has his shopping in the boot of the car and, if it's not been broken by the accident, there should be a a bottle of Jack Daniels.
"I've just remembered, I've got a bottle of JD in me boot, me aud mucka. D'you fancy a swig?" he says (in badly typed yam-yamese).
"Ar, I'm a bit shaken, could do with a swig."
Luckily enough, the bottle IS unbroken, so, the Wolves fan, being polite to the last, hands the bottle to the Baggie, who breaks the seal and takes a huge pull from the bottle, before holding it out to the Wolves fan.
The Wolves fan just looks at the Baggy, smells the whisky on his breath and says:
"Nah, it's alrooight, yow keep it. I'm gonna wait till the police get here."